Michelle Friedman
Birthplace: Philadelphia, PA
Parent's birthplace: Russia
Current residence: Philadelphia, PA
Parent's birthplace: Russia
Current residence: Philadelphia, PA
The reason my parents immigrated with my brother and sister was because it was pretty bad for Jews in Russia and so my dad’s stepmom and her family came to the US first, in ‘95 or something, with my dad’s dad. A few years later my dad went to the US for a trip and then came back with information for my mom, my older siblings, and my mom’s siblings at that time (but they didn’t end up coming). They followed my dad’s family to Philly, and they stayed with them in their house for a few weeks to get acclimated and then my grandparents followed (my mom’s parents).
My dad’s stepmom and her family, so like my uncle and stuff (step-uncle, they’re not related by blood, but they’re my family), when they flew over, there were two girls - my two cousins, their mom, their grandma - and their dad, on the day of their departure, had a heart attack and died before he left for the US, which I learned on Thanksgiving last year. I always knew the guy that lives with them now wasn’t their father, but I didn’t know.
It was easy understand my parents’ story. Driving around - in the Northeast, there’s so many areas that are super Russian - my parents would show me “this is where we learned English for the first time,” “this is where your dad had his first teaching job,” and my mom talks to me a lot about how she had to get re-certified to work in a hospital. Like, how she went to CCP, failed stats three times. I also asked a lot of questions.
My dad’s stepmom and her family, so like my uncle and stuff (step-uncle, they’re not related by blood, but they’re my family), when they flew over, there were two girls - my two cousins, their mom, their grandma - and their dad, on the day of their departure, had a heart attack and died before he left for the US, which I learned on Thanksgiving last year. I always knew the guy that lives with them now wasn’t their father, but I didn’t know.
It was easy understand my parents’ story. Driving around - in the Northeast, there’s so many areas that are super Russian - my parents would show me “this is where we learned English for the first time,” “this is where your dad had his first teaching job,” and my mom talks to me a lot about how she had to get re-certified to work in a hospital. Like, how she went to CCP, failed stats three times. I also asked a lot of questions.
It’s important to know and understand where they came from and how they got here. It’s really easy to forget other people’s backgrounds, I think, and the hardships they go through. And not even the hardships, anything like that, any changes, and big life events, and if you know more about that then you know more what makes the person who they are.
I am Russian and Jewish. We follow Russian holidays, but they are like Orthodox-Catholic holidays, they’re the same thing pretty much. There’s Russian Veterans Day, which we toast to. That’s a Russian thing. We toast. To everything. So like, since I’ve been ten, I’ve been saying toasts. And March 8, which is International Women’s Day, which apparently isn’t a thing in the US, but it’s “international,” so we celebrate that. And then we celebrate all of the Jewish holidays.
As for my religion, I didn’t have a choice really, it wasn’t forced, but it was never really an option for me. My parents sent me to a private Jewish school. My siblings went there. They started going to that school when they were eleven, but I started when I was five. So, since I was there for so long, and it was a small Jewish community and it was a half conservative and reformative school, I brought religion more into our house. I taught my parents Hebrew and Shabbat practices and the significance of some holidays.
As for my religion, I didn’t have a choice really, it wasn’t forced, but it was never really an option for me. My parents sent me to a private Jewish school. My siblings went there. They started going to that school when they were eleven, but I started when I was five. So, since I was there for so long, and it was a small Jewish community and it was a half conservative and reformative school, I brought religion more into our house. I taught my parents Hebrew and Shabbat practices and the significance of some holidays.
Our religion has brought us together, especially Shabbat, because that’s a family sit-down meal where everyone has to say toasts, which is the best thing that’s happened to them in that week. They’ve told me multiple times it’s because I went to that school that there’s really religion in the house.
In my sophomore year of high school I started questioning my religion a little bit and I still do. It’s hard because my dad used to not be religious - he struggles with the whole like, meat and milk and pork thing. He does not - it’s not for him. But, he’s pretty religious, he talks about fate and God and meeting and things like that and my mom goes to the synagogue. My sister and brother also are pretty observant and spiritual and I used to be, especially in middle school and especially the beginning of high school. But I’m not so much anymore, but it’s frustrating because they don’t want to hear it. They’re like “Don’t you dare say that."
Sometimes my parents guilt trip me because, in Russia, they had to hide their religion and practice in secret. When I don’t follow the religion, or am a little apprehensive towards it, my parents guilt trip me because I have the opportunity to cherish the practices now when all they did was hide in fear in Russia.
Russian was my first language, until I was four or five - four, I think. Russian is very different and my Russian is very different from actual Russian also. My parents don’t curse very much and they’re not very vulgar. Even despite that, I feel like Russian TV, Russian friends, Russian family members, it’s a lot easier to talk to them, obviously, in their comfortable language.
And the language is also, like I said, it adds a lot to the emotion of the conversation. English, to me at least, tends to be a lot more academic and Russian is a lot of sarcasm and snaps and jabs and quick remarks.
I used to think there was big difference between the way we do things and Americans do and I guess there is. Namely I think of food - that stands out, because that’s pretty simple. But then, just like, dialogue and conversation, because English is not my parents’ first language, so it’s different. But it’s not difficult, I don’t think. Like, as a kid it’s always a little bit weird to be different from all of your friends, in whatever way, and I used to be like “No, I gotta be more American,” or whatever. Now it doesn’t make much of a difference to me.
When I was younger, I honestly didn’t know my culture was different from the American culture. It was only until I was like twelve/thirteen, that’s when I started thinking about it as anything different. It was pretty easy for me because, like I said, the Northeast is pretty Russian, and people my parents talk to are all Russians, except for like, two Jews and a few Americans. So, it was like being at home was being with the Russians and going to school was being with my friends and I didn’t feel much pressure. When I started to invite my friends over to my house, they were fine and welcoming with it, so I didn’t feel like any fear.
As for Americanized things… My dad hates burping. And if I sit with my knee up at the table, that’s the worst thing in the world. They hate American radio, except for the classic rock station my dad listens to. I’m sure there are more, that’s pretty much all I can think of. Oh, and they’re a little bit racist - my dad’s a little bit racist. We have this dynamic now where he’ll say something not cool, I’ll freak out insanely at him because dad that’s not okay at all. Now, he can already anticipate it, so he still says the things, but he says them less because he knows I’m going to react badly. I’ve trained him a little bit. My siblings would never call him out on it and I would tell them, “I’m so pissed at him. WTF!” They said, “Yeah, just don’t, he’ll get mad at you.” I did anyway.
When I was younger, I honestly didn’t know my culture was different from the American culture. It was only until I was like twelve/thirteen, that’s when I started thinking about it as anything different. It was pretty easy for me because, like I said, the Northeast is pretty Russian, and people my parents talk to are all Russians, except for like, two Jews and a few Americans. So, it was like being at home was being with the Russians and going to school was being with my friends and I didn’t feel much pressure. When I started to invite my friends over to my house, they were fine and welcoming with it, so I didn’t feel like any fear.
As for Americanized things… My dad hates burping. And if I sit with my knee up at the table, that’s the worst thing in the world. They hate American radio, except for the classic rock station my dad listens to. I’m sure there are more, that’s pretty much all I can think of. Oh, and they’re a little bit racist - my dad’s a little bit racist. We have this dynamic now where he’ll say something not cool, I’ll freak out insanely at him because dad that’s not okay at all. Now, he can already anticipate it, so he still says the things, but he says them less because he knows I’m going to react badly. I’ve trained him a little bit. My siblings would never call him out on it and I would tell them, “I’m so pissed at him. WTF!” They said, “Yeah, just don’t, he’ll get mad at you.” I did anyway.
I think another thing about culture is that, in Russia, they would never vote - it just never occurred to them because elections were rigged, politics were corrupt. Everything was just unstable and full of lies and there was the KGB and violence was strongly imbedded into politics, so in the 19 years now… They’ve never voted. To them it’s natural.
Have I ever struggled with my identity with because of my culture? I don’t know. I think about it, but I don’t know if it’s a struggle. I worry that I’ll lose the Russian side of me because Ilya [Michelle’s older brother] now lives in California so he doesn’t talk to my parents everyday and his Russian is worse. Some of my friends - David [Michelle’s childhood Russian friend who also lives in the Northeast], his Russian is better than mine.
So I think about keeping up with culture and current events and how immersed I am in the actual Russian culture besides just being raised by Russian parents. But I don’t feel like there’s much conflict for me. I do feel a little more American than I am Russian, maybe, because most of my academic and intellectual thoughts are in English, so that’s a big part of me.
All of my older cousins - they’ve moved to the states/Canada when they were much older, so Russian is pretty comfortable for them, so they married Russian and they kept Russian in the family. But for me, English is probably more comfortable, even though Russian’s very important to me. I don’t know if I’m actually going to go on the hunt for a Russian-Jewish boy, or if I’ll just be pleased.
I would like to keep Russian in the family, and Judaism, but not necessarily like spiritual observations and things like that, but more of as a tool for keeping a sense of community and meaning.
Oh, and I would absolutely keep up with Russian and Jewish practices, like toasts at the dinner table! Toasts are the best. You can’t just drink without doing anything.
I think I’m pretty privileged in the sense that like, I come from an Eastern European background and my name sounds pretty American and I was raised with not obviously different cultural traditions.
Whereas I know other immigrant families will have more non-American practices. It’s just the way people see different immigrants. Like, you might not have guess that I’m Russian or have an immigrant background, but especially for Asian families, I think there’s a bigger difference in how it’s perceived. So that’s probably why it was so easy for me.